Tag Archives: bipolar

Mixed Diagnoses – How Do You Know?

I have bipolar disorder.  This is the most recent diagnosis.  I don’t completely fit the mold.  As mentioned in a previous post, “I’m bipolar something.” My pdoc just isn’t sure what type yet.

This seems to be becoming a trend with my posts, but I would like to write a list of psychiatric diagnoses (and medications, if applicable) I have received over the past 10 years.  I’ll start from 10 years ago and work my way forward:

Jan 2000:  Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression

December 2000: Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (I put this dx here because it’s often linked with depressive disorders and comes in to play presently)

July 2004: Post-Partum Depression, Anxiety, Depression(haha)

–[zoloft] D/C’ed after 2 months

January 2006: Depression, Anxiety(situational)

–[Wellbutrin XR]didn’t work

February 2006:

–{Lexapro} D/C’ed after 3 months (too expensive, non-formulary)

July 2007 : Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder

November 2007: Panic Attacks/Anxiety, Depression

–[Lexapro and Ativan] D/C’ed after 5 weeks lexapro made me psychotic/manic,

January 2008: Depression, Panic/Anxiety Attacks

–{Paxil and Ativan}, D/C’d after 3 weeks paxil made me shake too much, I felt sick all the time.

March/April 2008: Personality Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified w/ characteristics of: Borderline, Narcissistic, Obsessive-Compulsive, Avoidant, Histrionic.  Depression. Possible bipolar disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

October 2008: Depression, Anxiety.

–[zoloft and ativan](stayed on both)

February 2009: Hospitalized for Major Depression.  Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

–[zoloft, lamictal, seroquel, provigil(for CFS)]

March 2009: Bipolar Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder – Inattentive type

–[zoloft, lamictal, seroquel, adderall] Adderall D/C’ed after 3 months – not effective

June 2009:

–[zoloft, lamictal, seroquel, strattera] strattera D/C’ed after 1 months – not effective

July 2009:

–[zoloft, lamictal, seroquel, ritalin] ritalin D/C’ed after 1 month – not effective

October 2009:

–[Wellbutrin SR, Lamictal, Seroquel] Zoloft now D/C’ed for not treating depression effectively enough even at max dose

January 2009:

–[zoloft, wellbutrin SR, lamictal, seroquel]

So, with a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder being treated as primary since it is the most recent,  how do you decipher what symptoms or behaviors that don’t “fit the bipolar mold” are just irrelevant, or part of one of the other illnesses that I have been diagnosed with?

I have to finish this later… I’m passing out.

Hate Me – *possible trigger*

Hate Me – Blue October | Music Video | VEVO.

I have had this song on my computer for the longest, have always like the song, but only ever really paid attention to the chorus and the music.  I so feel this way sometimes.  Sometimes the most selfless/selfish thing that someone with mental illness can say.  Opinions?  Is wanting to isolate a feeling of guilt for making others around you worry about you, or simply just a need to shut the world out so you don’t have to feel it?  I know for me my isolating is a combination of I just want to be left alone, because when I am not left alone I get more upset and end up being more outwardly emotional (angry, yelling, etc.) and I would rather just be left alone.  I would rather someone worry about me, than to know that I am hurting them and see that I am hurting then, while feeling helpless to stop it.  Because then, do I not only feel terrible about the world, I feel terrible for hurting them.  I’m good today. I promise, just pondering.. was making a playlist to clean to and came across this song and wanted to blog about it..   Comments?


Hate Me- Blue October

(If you’re sleeping are you dreaming
If your dreaming are you dreaming of me?
I can’t believe you actually picked me.)

(”Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it’s 2:33 on Monday afternoon.
I was just calling to see how you were doing.
You sounded really uptight last night.
It made me a little nervous, and a l… and… well… it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too.
I just wanted to make sure you were really OK,
And wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication.
You know I love you, and…
Take care honey
I know you’re under a lot of pressure.
See ya. Bye bye”)

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

[Children voices:]
If you’re sleeping, are you dreaming,
if you’re dreaming are you dreaming of me.
I can’t believe you actually picked me

Edit: On a funny side note… after that song on my playlist was Boxcar Racer’s “I Feel So”

Gesundheit – Sneezings of the Brain

David and Angelina were both home this past week for Christmas break.  That being said sleep schedules were thrown WAY out of whack.  Something that I realized though is that David and I settled into our natural circadian rhythms.  That being going to bed somewhere between 3 and 5a.m. and waking between noon and 4 p.m.(usually me sleeping this late) With this altered sleep/wake schedule I have neglected to take my wellbutrin.  I fully realized this yesterday because Saturday we were up very late, and since today our regularly imposed schedule was starting with school and work, we decided to skip sleeps on Saturday and go to bed early on Sunday.  This was due in part to the fact that I had several adult beverages Sat. night and postponed taking my medications. (Which ended up skipping for Saturday)

Anyway, So, yesterday I realized that I hadn’t taken my wellbutrin at all this past week.  And I felt BETTER.  The past month I have had this stupid depression cloud hanging over my head.  Last week I bitched about the antidepressants not working.  The thing that puzzles me now is this: Should I start taking the WB again?  Or should I just continue to NOT take it?  It wasn’t doing it’s job very well, and the fact that I feel better off it makes me believe that maybe I AM better off it. I have read some articles, like the following:

Antidepressants. Use of antidepressants in bipolar disorder, although once common, is now controversial. Antidepressants may not be advised at all, depending on your situation. There’s limited data indicating that antidepressants are effective for bipolar disorder, and in some cases they can trigger manic episodes. Before taking antidepressants, carefully weigh the pros and cons with your doctor.

(See: Mayo Clinic Bipolar Disorder Treatment and Drugs)

I don’t know the answer.  I know being on the Zoloft made me an emotional popsicle, while not really treating my depression.  And the wellbutrin, while I got my emotions back, doesn’t seem to be effectively treating my depression either.  And I don’t know if this respite from the “black pit of despair” is due to lack of wellbutrin, or possibly just coincidental.  Maybe it’s that I was on my internal clock’s schedule this past week that has me feeling better; as opposed to the enforced one during school/work times.

The other question that is plaguing me is whether or not my irritability is caused by the use/non-use of the Wellbutrin.  Again, the bear in me has been pretty active lately, while on and off the Wellbutrin.  I’m not sure if the irritability is due to the stress of the holidays and being depressed, or if I’m having a mixed episode, but mostly feel the “depressed” part of it and the manic part is the mood-swingy-bite-your-head-off-for-looking-at-me-wrong feelings.  Or maybe I’m just reading too much into everything and it’s just a regular ol’ hormone flux and I’m being paranoid and over thinking.

The point of this is that with the sleep thing screwed up, and taking my meds still at 10pm and being awake for 5-7 hours after that, I have been having these sleepy time ramblings.  Pondering all the big things, most related to stuff that I don’t have the answers for.  Have been driving David kind of bonkers, but he’s dealing.  He mostly just tunes me out anyway.

There really isn’t a point.  It just IS. It all IS.  We all ARE.  There isn’t always an answer, although I wish I could get better insight into the things of mine that I want answers to.

*restlessness + poor judgement = mania (or so I’ve discovered recently)

When I first started this blog I said I was going to update this (Symptoms I Thought Were Just Me Being Crazy..O… Wait, I Am Crazy) regularly.  It’s been 8 months so I figure now’s a good enough time to start doing that. So here goes: Continue reading *restlessness + poor judgement = mania (or so I’ve discovered recently)

“You are CHOOSING to be this way” – from my psychiatrist.

Note to self: “Avoid harmful relationships.”

I didn’t realize that my psychiatrist would be one of those harmful relationships.  See: What the HELL was I thinking? O, right. I wasn’t thinking. In November I had to switch psychiatrists due to the fact that my old one (Dr. C) didn’t take my insurance.  My first visit with Dr. D (a.k.a. “The ASShole”)  was an hour-long history report.  He went through this huge packet of papers asking me about every single aspect of my mental health/drug addiction/family history life.  “Have you ever used marijuana, mary jane, weed, pot, reefer, grass,…?”  and on and on about every single type of drug and/or alcohol or poison one can pump into their body with any name or slang that you can think of to call it (thus the MJ, weed, pot, reefer, grass, etc). Continue reading “You are CHOOSING to be this way” – from my psychiatrist.