Tag Archives: depression

Hate Me – *possible trigger*


Hate Me – Blue October | Music Video | VEVO.

I have had this song on my computer for the longest, have always like the song, but only ever really paid attention to the chorus and the music.  I so feel this way sometimes.  Sometimes the most selfless/selfish thing that someone with mental illness can say.  Opinions?  Is wanting to isolate a feeling of guilt for making others around you worry about you, or simply just a need to shut the world out so you don’t have to feel it?  I know for me my isolating is a combination of I just want to be left alone, because when I am not left alone I get more upset and end up being more outwardly emotional (angry, yelling, etc.) and I would rather just be left alone.  I would rather someone worry about me, than to know that I am hurting them and see that I am hurting then, while feeling helpless to stop it.  Because then, do I not only feel terrible about the world, I feel terrible for hurting them.  I’m good today. I promise, just pondering.. was making a playlist to clean to and came across this song and wanted to blog about it..   Comments?

Lyrics:

Hate Me- Blue October

(If you’re sleeping are you dreaming
If your dreaming are you dreaming of me?
I can’t believe you actually picked me.)

(”Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it’s 2:33 on Monday afternoon.
I was just calling to see how you were doing.
You sounded really uptight last night.
It made me a little nervous, and a l… and… well… it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too.
I just wanted to make sure you were really OK,
And wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication.
You know I love you, and…
Take care honey
I know you’re under a lot of pressure.
See ya. Bye bye”)

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

[Children voices:]
If you’re sleeping, are you dreaming,
if you’re dreaming are you dreaming of me.
I can’t believe you actually picked me

Edit: On a funny side note… after that song on my playlist was Boxcar Racer’s “I Feel So”

*restlessness + poor judgement = mania (or so I’ve discovered recently)


When I first started this blog I said I was going to update this (Symptoms I Thought Were Just Me Being Crazy..O… Wait, I Am Crazy) regularly.  It’s been 8 months so I figure now’s a good enough time to start doing that. So here goes: Continue reading *restlessness + poor judgement = mania (or so I’ve discovered recently)

“You are CHOOSING to be this way” – from my psychiatrist.


Note to self: “Avoid harmful relationships.”

I didn’t realize that my psychiatrist would be one of those harmful relationships.  See: What the HELL was I thinking? O, right. I wasn’t thinking. In November I had to switch psychiatrists due to the fact that my old one (Dr. C) didn’t take my insurance.  My first visit with Dr. D (a.k.a. “The ASShole”)  was an hour-long history report.  He went through this huge packet of papers asking me about every single aspect of my mental health/drug addiction/family history life.  “Have you ever used marijuana, mary jane, weed, pot, reefer, grass,…?”  and on and on about every single type of drug and/or alcohol or poison one can pump into their body with any name or slang that you can think of to call it (thus the MJ, weed, pot, reefer, grass, etc). Continue reading “You are CHOOSING to be this way” – from my psychiatrist.

Psycho much? – Edited


So… I haven’t blogged in almost a month.  A couple weeks ago David and I got into an argument about whose responsibility it was for different household chores and lawn work.  The house was a mess and he was playing on the computer and had said he was going to mow the lawn (only he didn’t because the tire on the lawn mower was flat)  So, I asked him to help me clean up the house.  We kind of got into it because his response was basically that I am home all day every day and he goes to work every day during the week and basically that housework shouldn’t be his responsibility.  So, we went into our bedroom to talk.  I could see where he was coming from, it does seem unfair to him, I know that…  but I am not doing this on purpose.  I don’t want to be mentally ill, and I don’t want to be tired all the time from the medicines I take to make me “less” ill.  Well… during our argument and me trying to make him understand that I am not choosing to put everything onto him, I just CAN’T do it.  Some days I can, other days I cannot.  His reaction was basically that he didn’t believe that I couldn’t just that I wouldn’t because I didn’t “feel like it” and that I just didn’t WANT to do it, or that I won’t do it.  So this turned into more of an argument.  I started staring at the wall and semi-tuning him out because I didn’t want to hear what he was saying…I already knew what he was saying, and I knew that it was his perception of what was going on.  It was one of those times when the understanding wasn’t there, and the trying to understand, or the acceptance that he didn’t understand wasn’t enough. Continue reading Psycho much? – Edited

Double Edged Sword


This evening (ok it’s 2 a.m….shh!) I was browsing around on Amazon.com for bargain books related to bipolar disorder.  I had to chuckle to myself at the books that basically implied that the pharmaceutical companies were behind the diagnoses of mental illness in America.

First off, I have bipolar disorder and am being treated with psychotropic medications.  I also have been a certified pharmacy technician since 2005 and have seen and dealt with a great many people being treated with medications.  No one HAS to take a medication.  You have the right to refuse it when your doctor prescribes it.  You have the right to not fill the prescription.  You have the right to not buy the prescription if it is too costly and you don’t really want to take it anyway. Continue reading Double Edged Sword

I feel… nothing.


Life is going on around me.  I don’t really care.  None of it means anything to me right now.  I simply am.  And they simply are.  Simply are here to just not let me be.  Have a dr’s appt thursday… maybe Dr. C can give me some insight into why I feel worse instead of better?  Haven’t been feeling physically well the past couple of days either.  Was supposed to have my CT scan done a while ago.. have an appt with Dr. S next Tuesday.  I don’t know if I’ll go.  What’s the point?  I didn’t have the CT.  I didn’t have bloodwork.  Dr. C is prescribing all my meds that aren’t OTC.  I’m tired of being reminded that I’m sick and they’re not doing anything.  I will continue to see Dr. C every month because I know that even though I am not well now… I could be worse without it at all.  I have stopped taking my Strattera.  I have no desire to put anything more into my system that I don’t absolutely need.  It’s not keeping me alive..or improving anything.  Might be an option if I ever have to go back to work and be functional.  I’m so tired.  So very very tired.  Wish I could sleep forever.  Can’t wait til school starts…peace and quiet during the day.. no one to bug me except myself.  Don’t want to go anywhere.  Don’t want to stay home.  Just want quiet.  Want to be left alone…if even just for a little while.  Want to be able to stay in bed, and not have to shower or get dressed or eat or anything.  But I have a headache.  That’s what happens when I think too much about staying in bed.  Or if I sleep too much.  The headaches.  I have one now.  Angelina is singing and it is driving a nail into my skull.  It’s hard to write about how I feel inside when no one notices so much on the outside.  I’m down.  I haven’t gotten dressed.  But I am still coherent (for the most part) and responsive.  Don’t want to be a burden.  Feel like such a fraud when I say I’m sick.  I am.  But it’s not tangible…  It’s not something you can take a blood test for.  I feel sick today. so tired.  need a nap.