What is going on with me? I have been crying on and off all day today. I have been feeling better since starting the lithium last month and I see my pdoc tomorrow. I am hoping that I got approved for the Cymbalta so I can stop these crying jags. It feels so refreshing to be able to get my emotions out, but I keep crying at seemingly nothing… or laundry commercials. I just want my emotions to shut up again. I feel like I am losing it.
And I found myself dissociating today while driving…which is really dangerous and scary. I dunno maybe I was just on auto-pilot and am taking it more seriously that it was. I just know that I lost about 3 minutes and had to orient myself as to where I was and where I was going.
I suppose there is always the possibility that the lithium is starting to cause cognitive issues. I’m just tired of feeling. I want my numb back.
And now, I leave you with a song completely not related, just what happens to be playing at the moment:
My pdoc wants me to see a medical doctor because my blood work shows that I am borderline diabetic, have borderline high cholesterol, and my blood pressure was also slightly elevated at my appointment. My health has been in the same state for about 6 years, although now I am apparently anemic as well – which could have something to do with my sleeping so much.
So he referred me to a “low-cost” clinic in the area since my Medi-cal shar of cost is $1300/ month. So I contacted the clinic today to find out about their sliding fee scale program and as it turns out since I have the share-of-cost I don’t qualify for their discount program and would have to pay full price which is in the neighborhood of $300 a visit depending on what needs done. The person told me my best bet would be to CANCEL my medi-cal so that I qualify for the discount program. Which is all fine and great unless I have to be hospitalized or go to the ER for something. Then not so good. I am more worried about that several THOUSAND dollar bill that I might get some day, than I am about going to this clinic. Ugh.
Hate. The. Healthcare. System!
Since my last update I have started seeing a psychiatrist. In February he put me on Tegretol and I couldn’t wake up and was sick to my stomach so I stopped it. At my last appt (March 28) he started me on Lithium and so far so good. I haven’t really seen any side effects except I’m still sleeping a minimum of 12 hrs a day. Also am back on my abilify and hopefully will be back on Cymbalta in the next few weeks if the drug company will let me on their patient assistance program.
I started on a depressive spiral the middle of March and it was progressively getting worse, but with starting on the lithium 10 days or so ago, I am starting to feel better. Can definitely tell that it is working so far.
Aside from all that I got my Medicare card in the mail the other day and am now extremely frustrated with what plan to choose. Allsup (the company I went through for my disability) has a Medicare Advisor where they research the best options based on your needs and whatnot, but it’s $200 and that’s the DISCOUNTED rate because I am a previous consumer. Have to see what David says. I think that it might be worth it just to not have to deal with it, of course he will probably say that I have all this free time and I should just research it myself – coz I’m good at research, but for whatever reason this Medicare deal has my mind frazzled!
I am extremely frustrated with the health care system here. I may be just as frustrated with Florida, except we dont’ live there anymore. We make too much munnies to qualify for regular medicaid but not enough that I have the munnies to buy my meds. Which is why I’m off my meds. i never completed that thought in my last post.
So I’m sitting here singing at the top of my lungs and I can’t hear myself. This is because of good earphones. and loud music. I feel like talking but I don’t want anyone to listen because I’m afraid I’m not making any sense. ANd because I don’t want anything I say to mean anything more than random babbling.
Dammit i actually wanted to write about something but nothing is coming out right. I’m not leaving my front door. I feel far too dangerous. I just got a phone call from the behavioural health clinic that I’m going to be going to. I have an appointment on Monday. Of course, it’s not actually for treatment yet, it’s just to see what kind of treatment I want, need, or can get. I don’t understand why they can’t just see that I need help. Whatever you can give me. I’m cracking up. I feel wonderful, except I don’t.
I feel tingly all over and I can’t sit still. This is going to be interesting.
I went off my meds Jan 24, 2011 BECAUSE the State of California is a PITA. I have been on meds since February 26, 2009 with only missing a day here or there, but never actually having all the drugs leave my system completely. So, for 2 years I have been someone else. I forgot how much I used to cry – because I cry at EVERYTHING. right.now.
I felt depressed, stressed, strung out. Two days ago I started feeling like my body wasn’t my own. I am very much emotionally alive but my body feels numb. Like I was sleep walking, or the sensation you get when your shoes are the wrong size or on the wrong foot. Like there’s a glitch in the Matrix. omgz me in vinyl. *shudder*
Yesterday was a bad day. I forgot to set my alarm so Angelina and I didn’t get up until around 10:30am so I let her stay home from school. She said she wasn’t feeling well anyways… she has a cough and I am in the process of getting over a cold so I went with it.
She was her usual self… knew everything and for some reason felt like she has the right to talk balk to me. I was feeling pretty foul but mostly restrained myself. She had been bugging me about having a sandwich since an hour after she ate breakfast, so finally I told her she could make one. First, there was a problem with the bread, then she made the sandwich and was reading the cheese package (from the deli) that said “Good before Jan 16,2010” so she got it in her head that this cheese is OLD, even though we’ve only lived here for 2 weeks and bought the cheese a couple days after we moved in and it was FINE. So she fought with me for 2 hours about eating the damn sandwich. Finally, my mom wanted me to come over to check out her new computer so I told Angelina she needed to finish her sandwich sans cheese.. and she just sat there as if I had said nothing. I told her I was ready to smash the sandwich in her face – she said “do it!” so i did. She thought it was hilarious… laughing the whole time. I was extremely pissed off but decided to keep it to myself. so we went to mom’s.
I just felt very agitated and aggressive yesterday. I think that I may feel that way today as well but I am alone so I am not angry at anyone or anything.
Hello Dear Readers,
After a much unintentioned hiatus I have returned. I have so many things to catch you all up on so please bear with me for the next several hours/days while I fill you in. Most of my writing is not going to go in chronological order, so if you’re looking for that, I will apologize. My brain has been released from it’s chemical prison (i.e. I’m off my meds!) and it’s all disordered in there. It will come out that way. I also am listening to an epic playlist so be prepared for random song quotes and post titles like song lyrics. To further confuse things I am starting to feel like I may be entering a mixed state so fun all around. Let’s get this party started!!!
“you remind me of the times when I knew who I was still the second hand will catch us like it always does.” – name this song/artist! 😀
I’ve decided that me and this medicine just aren’t supposed to be acquainted. It’s working for me, but apparently I’m not working for it. I haven’t written anything in here for months. But not because nothing has been going on… quite the opposite… too much has been going on and I think it’s finally all catching up with me.
We moved. FAR. From Florida to California. I’ll catch up on all that later.
What I’d like to write about now is how I’m not working for my Lamictal. First it was short in June and I didn’t realize it until AUgust and it was too late. Then it was short in AUgust but was able to be fixed. Then the patient assistance program I went through with my pdoc’s office never got in so I never got the free meds before we moved. And now. Now, I have no insurance, I’m living at my Mom’s, David JUST got a job after being out for almost 4 months, I don’t have a pdoc. And it’s not even that I don’t have a pdoc I like… it is literally I don’t have a pdoc. And I have less than three weeks worth of Lamictal left. And if I am going to move out of my mom’s anytime in the next year I can’t afford to just PAY for it. I don’t have the money. So that means that I go off it. I made a ton of phone calls today, have an appt set up to get a pdoc through the county health dept (joy), I have paperwork filled out to get some assistance with medical costs. It’s not insurance but basically a copay for any services I get through the county… paying $25 for a dr instead of $100.
So. That’s it. These things are good, and I need them, but the most pressing need right now is where I am going to get my Lamictal. I’m going into a depressive episode and I am going to have to do it without a mood stabilizer. off the soapbox now.
tyvm for reading.