Leave Some Morphine At My Door


i’m at a blank.  I’m depressed, but I am having trouble putting words on this screen.  David came into the room earlier because he heard me bawling my eyes out.  We talked for a while and he apologized to me because he wasn’t paying attention to my warning signs.  Like the fact that I’ve been sleeping the past two weeks.  Today was the first time I cried though.  I had an interesting conversation with a friend and it made me sad.

I can’t sleep tonight.  We went to bed around 11pm, it’s now 3am.  I have yet to sleep.  I took some Benadryl half an hour ago hoping it would knock me out, but so far no luck.

We talked about how I need to make friends here in California.  I have a hard time keeping friends because I am flaky.  I’m good at meeting people, but I have no follow through and I am terrible about keeping in touch or making a point to “hang out”.  Ask my mom, she complains she never sees me and she lives six blocks away.  David said that he thinks it’s partly his fault because I have him and he doesn’t mind having me to himself, or something like that.  I was talking about how the friends I have I have known since high school and we’ve been in and out of each other’s lives since then, but I know that they would be there for me if I needed them, even if we haven’t spoken or seen each other recently.  Friends I’ve made since then it’s not the same with.  They’ve come and mostly gone.  Of course, that’s probably because they were “work friends” and when the job ended so did the friendships.  David asked me if that meant that I wanted to go back to work.  At least he got me to laugh.

I’m afraid to make new friends.  I fairly recently lost two friends that were important to me.  No, they didn’t die.  And most people would say I couldn’t have lost them because they haven’t really been in my life recently anyways.  Yet, I feel the loss profoundly.

Anyway, I think the Benadryl is kicking in.  I’m going to try to catch some zzzz’s.  Hopefully, I’ll be back later today to finish this post.

 

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~ by falloutmommy on December 5, 2011.

One Response to “Leave Some Morphine At My Door”

  1. I can’t remember who left the link to this page in Facebook….. I’ve just found it in my task bar, so I must have followed it before being interrupted.

    You’ve captured my attention with your first two sentences….. and you may regard this as a compliment…..

    David should not feel guilty…. Your behavior is not at all even partly his fault. Whether he is with you or not, you will be what you are. I am just like you. Love socializing, but many things keep me home —— Tiredness – too tired (or lazy, or simply not in the mood) after a day’s/week’s work to get myself physically and mentally respectable for socializing. Only something really exiting – a magnet – or an obligation – will give me the needed energy to go out. I love my home… I have too many delighting things to do in my home…. I don’t even have time to get to them all…. and they don’t demand any social skills…..

    By now I don’t care about keeping and even making new friends….. I have only 3 close friends, besides my relatives…. and they accept me as I am and the fact that they will see me once every 3 months if they’re lucky….. But I do have many friends online…. and I must admit I do prefer socializing online. More interesting topics to discuss… more opportunities to share ALL my thoughts…. never in the position where I have to keep my mouth shut while another person is talking, and by the time he is finish my input has lost its significance….

    I read myself so clearly in you. The main reason why I don’t want to make friends, is the fear of loosing them…. 99,9% due to natural courses – they move away…. they die…. they acquire new interests and drift away…..

    Fortunately you can write…. I don’t know what and where, but I would like to suggest that you develop your writing skills and become part of an online writers community. Maybe you are already a member of such a community…. I don’t recognize your name.

    Well, I felt like writing this to you. I hope to see you again… 🙂

    Martie.

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