i’m at a blank. I’m depressed, but I am having trouble putting words on this screen. David came into the room earlier because he heard me bawling my eyes out. We talked for a while and he apologized to me because he wasn’t paying attention to my warning signs. Like the fact that I’ve been sleeping the past two weeks. Today was the first time I cried though. I had an interesting conversation with a friend and it made me sad.
I can’t sleep tonight. We went to bed around 11pm, it’s now 3am. I have yet to sleep. I took some Benadryl half an hour ago hoping it would knock me out, but so far no luck.
We talked about how I need to make friends here in California. I have a hard time keeping friends because I am flaky. I’m good at meeting people, but I have no follow through and I am terrible about keeping in touch or making a point to “hang out”. Ask my mom, she complains she never sees me and she lives six blocks away. David said that he thinks it’s partly his fault because I have him and he doesn’t mind having me to himself, or something like that. I was talking about how the friends I have I have known since high school and we’ve been in and out of each other’s lives since then, but I know that they would be there for me if I needed them, even if we haven’t spoken or seen each other recently. Friends I’ve made since then it’s not the same with. They’ve come and mostly gone. Of course, that’s probably because they were “work friends” and when the job ended so did the friendships. David asked me if that meant that I wanted to go back to work. At least he got me to laugh.
I’m afraid to make new friends. I fairly recently lost two friends that were important to me. No, they didn’t die. And most people would say I couldn’t have lost them because they haven’t really been in my life recently anyways. Yet, I feel the loss profoundly.
Anyway, I think the Benadryl is kicking in. I’m going to try to catch some zzzz’s. Hopefully, I’ll be back later today to finish this post.