Ever feel like you are floating? Drifting maybe? Life seems that way to me the past few days. I’ve been sleeping a lot during the day. I can’t sleep at night, even with my sleeping pills. Tonight I have a pounding headache and I just couldn’t SLEEP. I couldn’t get comfortable. I’m tired. I’m so very tired, but can’t sleep.
And my body still has that numb feeling. Like it has detached itself. I think I seem normal on the outside. I feel completely off and my world seems skewed on the inside. The world is spinning, but I am standing still. At least for now. Can’t quite put my finger on how to describe the way I am feeling. I hope this isn’t the beginning of more depersonalization episodes. Those are scary. But this almost feels like it could be that. Not quite so bad as before, but I am not dealing with those feelings and also having to deal with the stress of work, and marriage counseling and figuring out what I am doing with my marriage. Which is a bit scary on its own. Because I thought the depersonalization was from all the stress. Of course that’s a crock of shit because I had those episodes briefly long before that. Like, 10 years ago. I don’t remember exactly what was going on then. Had I just broken up with someone? I don’t remember. I just remember lying in my bed not being able to move no matter how hard I tried to get my brain to control my body. I remember calling out to my mom to come help me sit up. As soon as I got moving I was fine.
Well, I’m moving now, but I’m not fine. I don’t feel anywhere near fine. I feel detached and numb. Maybe it’s the meds. But I’m not sure which one. And I’m not sure why now it would be affecting me this way. My meds changed a month ago, but I have been fine up until the past few days. Different medicine, but still the same class of medicine that I had been taking for a year. Maybe it’s the trazodone? Maybe it’s the Nuvigil I started 2 weeks ago. Or maybe it’s the fact that I started the Nuvigil but I keep forgetting to take it. Or I’m not getting enough sleep so I go back to bed after I get Angelina off to school because if I take the meds they won’t keep me awake enough to get through the day without sleeping, but they’ll keep me too awake to sleep and I’ll end up worse off in the end. I also just found out that they decrease the effectiveness of the birth control I started around the same time. Good thing I thought to check drug interactions on my own because neither my doctor or the pharmacist said anything about it.
I want to sleep. But when I lie down I just can’t make myself do it. If anything I am more awake horizontal than I am sitting here in my chair. Maybe I’ll just go get my blanket and sleep here. It wouldn’t be the first time. Maybe I’ll try that. Need Rest. So tired of being tired.