So, I haven’t updated in a couple of days. It’s been… interesting. I have heard people talking about how “You’re not your illness – you HAVE bipolar, you’re not bipolar” And in a sense this is true. I am not defined by my illness. However, over the weekend I have discovered that having that diagnosis, that “label” I am better able to understand myself. Understand is maybe not the correct word.
What I mean is this: overnight on Wednesday I impulsively decided to start weight watchers again. I did this about a year ago and had some success, so I figured I might as well try it again. So, I forked over the money for a 90-day subscription. Not the greatest of ideas. I say this because I am not in a place where I feel I can stick to a “diet”. I’ve been on this for 5 days now and the days I am “over” are higher than on target days.
So, that was in the wee hours of the night into Thursday. Then Thursday night I decided that I needed to go and buy all the things on the WW “staples” list. I.E. things to have in the house at all times to make quick meals/snacks so you don’t eat something “bad” and go over your points. So, I went to the grocery store at 9:15pm. I spent $40. My weekly food budget is $100 for the 3 of us. My budget week starts on Friday, so this $40 came out of this week’s budget. Then on Friday I dropped Angelina off at school and decided I wanted to go to the dollar store. The dollar store, goodwill, and Wal-Mart are all in close proximity to one another. So I hit up the dollar store first. Spent $5 and change – bought some rubbermaid containers and some other stuff that I don’t recall at the moment. Then went to the Goodwill. I bought 2 books and a set of blinds for the kitchen window. My kitchen window has been bare for the past 3 years. Previous to that there was a lace valance that was on it. But the blinds were only $3.99!! They’re still sitting in the box in my dining room. I have no desire to do the work to put them up.
Then I went to Wal-Mart. This is significant because I try to avoid wal-mart at all costs these days because I tend to walk out with more than I went in for. I even joined a grocery “club” that gives me all the best deals at other stores so I can still save money w/o going to wal-mart because even though a lot of their food is cheaper… the “other” stuff I come home with isn’t, and is typically stuff that we don’t really need, or stuff that I don’t even remember what I bought, and mostly I bought it because it was on clearance thinking that sometime we might use it.
Friday was no exception. I bought $10 worth of food storage containers because WW suggests making extras of healthy meals to freeze so when you don’t feel like cooking and would instead make something less healthy/processed you can simply pop the meal out of the freezer, reheat, and voila! you have dinner. Problem is that we hardly ever have leftovers, my freezer is bursting at the seams full at the moment, and I already have a bunch of food containers that just aren’t clean! I ended up spending $60. So there’s my food budget for the week. (The remaining $50 was spent on food) I talked to David a bit later in the day and told him that I had gone here and there and the convo went something like this:
David: It seems like you are spending a lot of money
Me: yeah… but it’s groceries! And I probably won’t go out again this week. *crosses fingers*
David: I am worried that you are maybe a little bit manic.
Me: Yeah, maybe I am. You can have my monies and my cards and all if you are worried. It’s part of my treatment contract anyway. I need to finish cleaning the house so I need to get off the phone. Don’t worry too much.
David: I always worry.
I then proceeded to completely clean the living room/dining area (which is really the computer room). I haven’t been so great the couple of weeks leading up to this so my house was a MESS. I managed to clean the whole thing in a short amount of time. Normally that poops me out doing that alone. Going to the store alone in the morning tires me out as well. Not Friday though. I went to three stores – was out for 3 1/2 hours shopping, then came home, put all the groceries away, plus the canned goods that hadn’t been put away from when David and I went grocery shopping on Tuesday. Completely rearranged/organized my food pantry and canned goods shelves. Then cleaned the main part of the house, then got Ang from the bus, then entertained guests in the evening and managed to stay up until 4 or 5 am. I don’t remember what time I got up on Saturday. I know we hung out in the afternoon and went to David’s parents for dinner and started watching a movie with them… I started nodding off at about 7. We went home and I ended up being up till 2 or 3am. Then I slept until 2:30pm on Sunday. Then I’ve been my normal deflated self since then.
The problems that I’ve run into are this:
1. I was MAJOR irritable. I yelled at Angelina for everything. Even David called me out for being overbearing.
2. I spent money. We have it in the bank right now because we just borrowed a good chunk from David’s parents – so really we DON’T have the money. The big problem here is I know we don’t have the money. But I couldn’t stop myself from doing it – and I justified it to myself and to David.
3. I didn’t feel “good” I felt uncomfortable. I felt restless – I ate. I ate a LOT this weekend. I couldn’t stop it. I even did the trick where you fill up on water so you’re full. Yeah, that didn’t work. My tummy was full, but I still had to eat. Luckily I had bought “diet” food and ate a bunch of that.. I still went over my points, just not as much if I hadn’t had the food.
4. Sunday night I felt terrible. I knew that I was hypomanic and that I shouldn’t be eating and that I needed to curb the restless. But i couldn’t. I wanted to. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Like I was trying to crawl out of it. It was almost physically painful. I couldn’t sit still. If I tried I had to get up and DO something. Mostly that something involved raiding the fridge/pantry for something to eat even though I wasn’t hungry. I tried eating my little 100 calorie packs. Not enough! We ordered Chinese for dinner. We haven’t eaten out at all in the past several months, so this was a nice rare treat. I normally would have said no when David suggested it, but I wanted it. And my impulses outweighed my frugality. And then I ate some more even after we had dinner. I ended up eating a block of cheese – like a 1/2 lb block. And ice cream. I finished off the last 1/4 of a container of neopolitan we had in the freezer. And then I decided I wanted to make cheesecake. The cheesecake wasn’t as random as it sounds. I have had the cream cheese and the idea to make the cheesecake, but I didn’t have the crust of the topping. I had picked up both from Wal-Mart on Friday. So I made cheesecake at 11pm. It bakes for half an hour, then has to cool for an hour. I went in to look at it after the hour in the fridge – the middle was still liquid. David had taken it out for me when the timer went off – and I didn’t check it. Finally went to bed.
Monday morning I got up, took Ang to school half an hour late. Came home and re-baked the cheesecake. Ended up taking about 30 minutes for what would have taken an extra 5 to 10 mins the night before because the cake was cold. And then when it was done – I ate some. Two pieces. For breakfast, along with leftover lo mein from the night before. The food itself is odd to eat for breakfast, but what is even more odd is the fact that I typically don’t eat during the day. I usually don’t eat until dinner then maybe have a couple snacks between dinner and bed. Luckily yesterday I was tired from my weekend of pent up energy that I crashed a bit. I slept for about 3 hours, which apparently reset my eating clock and I was able to not eat until dinner time. And then I had only a piece of bread and a 100 calorie packs of craisins.
So far today I haven’t eaten anything. I have had this stupid headache since sunday though, and I feel like I need to go back to bed. I think I might just do that – at least it keeps me out of the pantry.