*restlessness + poor judgement = mania (or so I’ve discovered recently)

When I first started this blog I said I was going to update this (Symptoms I Thought Were Just Me Being Crazy..O… Wait, I Am Crazy) regularly.  It’s been 8 months so I figure now’s a good enough time to start doing that. So here goes:

I am planning on updating the particular entry often, as often as I think of and/or realize how much of “me” is actually me and what is my illness.  I think that it will be a long and difficult journey to recovery, but I hope that by separating what behaviors are actually me, and the behaviors that are not I will be able to start to overcome at least some of them.  We’ll see.

(To Be Continued…)

  • Yelling
  • being irritable in general
  • aches and pains
  • zoning out
  • hearing the sound of people talking but not processing what is being said
  • getting easily distracted by what is going on around me instead of what I am supposed to be doing
  • starting and never finishing projects/chores/assignments/etc, etc,etc
  • Being non-compliant with therapy (but I feel better, why should I take these pills or go to this appointment?)
  • getting stressed and anxious at the stupid stuff
  • order order order at my desk at work
  • sloppy sloppy sloppy at home
  • The “I don’t feel like it, so I’m not going to do it”s
  • The guilt
  • the manipulation
  • the need to have David available to pay attention to me, but not necessarily to have him pay attention.
  • the need to just have space
  • restlessness+ poor judgement = mania (or so I’ve discovered recently)
  • depression (duh!)
  • not being able to keep friends just because I don’t care enough to stay in contact or make an effort
  • not letting people in, or letting inappropriate people in too much *coughmocough*
  • alternating between talking too much about hypotheticals or nothing at all, and not talking about the real here and now and the real issues.
  • Pretending like I don’t care what people think, when really I’m second guessing my every word, gesture, or action.
  • writing this blog: the fact that I have 3 blogs so that people will pay attention to what I have to say. Like it means something.
  • Alternating between caring too much and not caring at all.
  • the emptiness, the feeling that there’s a gaping hole inside of me.
  • the nothingness.
  • the feeling that I’m destroying everyone that I care about.
  • trying to make people care about me by caring about them, at least in the moment.
  • doing stupid stuff that I know beforehand is stupid, but doing it anyway even though it can’t end anyway but badly.
  • that restless need to just do something to shake things up, but not completely break them apart.
  • the feeling that I’m missing something. Like I’m being left out.
  • the feeling that I don’t get it.
  • The feeling that I get it too much and other people are oblivious.
  • the feeling that I could never leave and do this by myself, but I’m terrified of staying and watching everyone around me burned by the fire that lives inside me.
  • the fear of something bad happening, so never doing anything, and then feeling like life is boring.
  • irrationality
  • taking things too personally
  • beating myself up
  • beating you up because I feel bad about something that I didn’t do and use the excuse that you could do it just as easily.
  • the fact that my chest got so tight and my body got tense when I saw you walk over to read what I was writing.
  • Knowing that it hurts you to know that I can write this down for everyone to read, but I can’t or won’t say it to your face.
  • feeling like by reading this I make you feel like you don’t know me at all.
  • I am afraid of feeling like you feel like you don’t know me at all.
  • I am afraid that you think I’m lying to you because I never told you all this.  I just never knew how to say it so you wouldn’t ask me questions coz it makes me nervous when you question my feelings, even if you’re just trying to understand, and not necessarily being judgmental
  • random crying
  • being sarcastic/funny during a serious discussion or argument
  • eating all the time when I am having overpowering emotions
  • not eating at all
  • being a hypochondriac
  • attempting to self-diagnose
  • seeing the details, forgetting the big picture
  • being selfish
  • knowing that I’m being selfish and feeling guilty for it, but still doing it anyway
  • taking advantage of people in little ways
  • feeling like my needs come first and should be at the top of other people’s priority list
  • being a know-it-all
  • using my crappy experiences as a crutch to make people feel like I have it worse than they do, so they feel bad about complaining about their not-as-crappy experiences.
  • making people uncomfortable by divulging what should be private in general conversation.
  • being so open about things that should be private

12-28-09: So, I’m reading this… thinking that things are going to be different… But they’re not really.  Except I don’t see people anymore.  My social circle has dwindled to a few.  A few people that I really care to have in my life or care to have me in theirs.  I have Facebook.  That’s about it.  I’m less on the being open about things that should be private and less on the caring about others so they’ll care about me (except on my blogs), I have been trying more to empathize with others who have been/are where I am emotionally instead of competing with them.  The irritability comes and goes, the random crying was better until I went off the Zoloft, then it came back again when I stopped being an emotional popsicle.  I’m still irrational, and emotional, and have mood swings, and panic attacks, and boulders that fall on my chest.  I’m done self-diagnosing because the dr’s have already done it for me.  I am no longer afraid of what David thinks about my blog, and I know now that he understands that a lot of the time I write what I mean or feel better than I say it aloud.  I know that he reads it. (at least occasionally)  I am less ill-at-ease with myself… mostly because I am not around people that know me, and the people that I come in contact that don’t know me… well, they don’t matter. (In a figurative sense, like I’m not worried about what they think of me – we’re talking about ppl at the grocery store)  I still get anxious and second guess my every move when I am places that I have to be – like this morning at my psychiatrists appointment.  I was sure the man in the waiting room was staring at me for 45 mins, so I kept my head in a magazine or staring at the floor.  I was fine this afternoon at Angelina’s appointment though and I was in the waiting room for over an hour.  I’m still distracted.  I have had to go back several times to look at my list and what I have already written to remember what exactly it is I am writing about.  I think I’m done for now.


~ by falloutmommy on December 28, 2009.

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