DAMMIT!


I think I am starting to hate Christmas.  Not like the actual celebration, or the trees, or presents or whatever… it’s just SO MUCH STUFF is associated with this time of year for me.  Good and bad, both of which I wish I didn’t remember.

Came home from the store today and told David that “FRUSTRATION” was the word of the week.  It is it is it is.  I will start with today and move backwards.

Today(Wednesday):  Frustrated with the dr. because of Ang’s cough and meds and whatever.  Then, got a call from Walgreens that her rx’s were ready so i’m like “yay the allergist called in the atarax for her itching!!”  Yeah, no.  He called in zyrtec and no atarax.  We have an appt with him Monday so we’ll see what happens.  Frustrated because it’s 3 am and I am up and I am writing this because I am frustrated about something that was frustrating yesterday (Tuesday) but we’ll get there.  And then after I announced frustrated as the word of the week we heard it mentioned several times on whatever shows Angelina was watching. (She has been watching the TBN kid’s channel constantly! )

Tuesday: I don’t remember much what happened before like 6pm. We had plans to go out to trivia at a local wings place (Name has been omitted for geographical reasons, will now be referred to as “trivia”)  So, 7pm I got in the shower.  When I got out there were people in my house!  Stephen was over (as I knew he was coming) and he brought Crystal!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!  So that was exciting.  We got to trivia and David’s brother was there and these two girls who are friends from camp and is friends with the family and with Stephen and people at church and whatever.  So, they only had 2 booths for like a LOT of people.  So me, David, Stephen, and Crystal commandeered the next booth over so we would have enough space for everyone coz David’s brother (will now be referred to as “DB”) said that his person, and that person, and you, and this other person’s brother was coming too.  ($%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! coz I’m not having an emotionally terrible enough week as it is.)

I wanted to leave.  But we brought Stephen and Crys and besides… after we sat down David said “did you hear?” and I said “I know.” AWKWARD!  And Stephen’s all “yeah..” and Crys is like “What?!?! you don’t have to tell me.”  and so of course I started to tell her and she said i didn’t have to tell her and then David’s parents showed up, thus killing the conversation. (Most of you are probably all WTF am I talking about so, read: From HERE and go chronologically forward several months, haha)  So, we stayed. and we played trivia.  The guys had some beer and Crys had a margarita and was extremely funny.  I am glad that she came..because David kept going and sitting at the table with his parents, which was the one to the back of me. And Stephen kept going and squeezing into the 6 seater booth that was already holding like 10 people. Granted some of them are the size of small children…but still.  So Crys and I were being loud and obnoxius and laughing and having a generally good time, but I kept having to turn around and tell Stephen and David to come back and stop abandoning us.  Which in turn made me have to look at the back of your head. which is really insanely insane that it should bother me, but there it is. And we already know that I.Am.Not.Sane.  I

So, I am sitting here, right now, 3:25am December 24, 2009 and am semi-hyperventilating over something that doesn’t really even matter anymore to pretty much anyone else but me.  Yeah, coz I’m not mental or anything.  So, I was writing about old wounds in “The Blog That Got Eaten” on Friday.  And you were one of them.  Because iiiiiiiit’ssssssssss Christmasssssssssssss….

(It’s from a Veggie Tales song) – See:

So, anyway.  I was thinking about how in songs love=flame, fire (something pyro related)  And I have come to the conclusion… David is my slow burning fire, the one you curl up with on cold nights and just enjoy.  A little flamey at first, but then just settles in and is lovely and comforting.  That’s it.  He’s my hearth fire.   And then, I realized that every other love in my life has been a flash fire.  The smoke builds up, gets too hot, and explodes, and is gone. Leaving charred remains and a skeleton of what was formerly a house (if it wasn’t all burnt to ash).  Fire that consumes the house, leaving it bare and in great need of being rebuilt.   So. I’m frustrated. No, I am freaking ANGRY at myself for letting any of this matter.  For being raw because it’s Christmas.

I’ve gotten on the subject of frustration this last week… Let’s say it started with “The Blog That Got Eaten” on Friday…and peaked around Tuesday and only has the next week to get through until next year.  I want to talk about what Christmas is to me.

But, I am going to write a seperate post about this coz it will take a while.

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~ by falloutmommy on December 24, 2009.

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