I have been reading a LOT of blogs in the past few days. I am finding it quite enlightening. I am a rambler.. and I kind of feel guilty about that because I have been leaving rambly comments on stranger’s blogs.
If anyone reading this is one of the people who got a long rambling comment from me then I apologize. I have never been a “facts only” type of person. I write in a roundabout way, because that’s the way my head works. I get so distracted with the idea of what I want to say, and I end up just confusing a lot of people who don’t follow my train of thought and can’t make any logical sense of what I am saying. Even my shortened versions are still much longer than the average person’s average thought/reply/whatever.
I always have this need to explain myself. To inject part of myself into someone else’s problem. I often find myself saying “In my experience…” or “From someone who has that too…” or “my [insert family member here] went through that/had that, etc.” You get my point. (I hope)
I take (and make) everything personal. Even if it is a stranger writing something anonymously out here in the blogosphere. I have begun to leave comments on other’s blog posts (yay tag surfer) and as soon as I hit ‘submit’ I get this feeling of OMG what if I am totally out of line, what if this makes them feel worse, what if, what if, what if…. and sometimes I get that feeling even before I am through..at which time I often include the “You don’t have to post this, but you should read it, at least…”
I worry that I am taking away that persons thoughts that are in the post, by posting my similar experience/feeling, etc. But I can’t stop. I think it may be due in part to the fact that I have 2 people who comment on my blog. My mom, and a woman who was my mom’s best friend from before I was born and that I have known my entire life. I have had my wordpress blog since April. In that time, I have had maybe 4 comments from someone other than these 2 people. I have had my blogger blog for 2 YEARS. In that time I have had maybe a handful of comments that weren’t from the same 2 people, and another person who was the subject of my blogs for a time. My LJ I never really posted much on, and my LiveSpaces blog is new, mainly to have a live update to my website…that is centered around my blog that no one reads.
Maybe me leaving these comments on other’s blogs is a way to reach out and say “Hey! Read ME! Leave ME comments! Feel empathetic about ME!” It seems like I (subconsciously) send out these unsolicited pieces of my mind to solicit someone else to give me a piece of their mind. But…it rarely happens and then I sit here and write a roundabout blog about how I want people to not only to LISTEN to me, but I want them to relate and tell me they relate. Or what they’ve learned from their experiences. Or what they know. or… just… SOMETHING.
Maybe it’s coz I feel like I am talking to myself 3/4 of the time that I write in my blog. On facebook I have a piece of flair that says “Writing is a sociably acceptable form of schizophrenia” Now, I don’t have schizophrenia (that I know of) Yes, I do talk to myself. Yes, I am sitting here writing to my blog telling it that it needs to leave me comments. Sometimes I see a man in my hallway when I am home alone. I know it’s not real. It is usually just a flash, long enough for me to see it/him, but not long enough to really study it or talk to it or interact at all. So, does knowing it’s not real, really make it ok to see things?
I have heard of people telling their pdocs that they saw or heard something that wasn’t there only to be told that it wasn’t a hallucination if they knew it wasn’t real. I guess it’s only a hallucination when you talk to it or answer it when it speaks? There’s two ways to go about this: 1) tell your pdoc that you see things that aren’t there, only for them to tell you that your not delusional coz u know it’s not real… or 2) to not tell for fear of embarrassment/feeling belittled, etc. and it actually being a problem. One of the biggest problems I have with going to my pdoc is that I don’t know what to say and what not to. I don’t LIKE being completely at someone else’s mercy. I always feel like people talk about me behind my back. And I come of as sarcastic and bitchy and whatever… but I second guess just about every move I make, and more often than not I say or do something without thinking and then after I cringe inside knowing that it wasn’t appropriate to say…but I already said it so all I can do is beat myself up for it.
It’s less embarrassing to say something and play it off non-chalantly like “O well, if u don’t like it, too bad” than to say something and go “omg i shouldn’t have said that” and fall on the ground at the person’s feet and cry your eyes out. One way you come off as an ass, and the other, someone to be walked on. Most of my younger years I was a doormat. I stopped being that and instead feel like I became the person who wipes their shoes on someone else. I am pretty sure I DON’T do that all the time…but I FEEL like I do. But I can’t SAY it coz it can go one of two ways a) complacence “It’s ok, I know you didn’t mean it” which just makes me feel MORE guilty. or b) get bitched out and told “you treat me like crap and I hate it but I’m afraid to say anything” So you see, I can either beat myself up and feel like crap, or say something and have someone else make me feel like crap by either saying that it’s ok when I know it’s not, or by saying NO it’s not okay, but again making me feel like crap.
So basically I just feel like crap most of the time. Make it stop?