Two posts in one day? No way!


I have been reading a LOT of blogs in the past few days.  I am finding it quite enlightening.  I am a rambler.. and I kind of feel guilty about that because I have been leaving rambly comments on stranger’s blogs. 

 

If anyone reading this is one of the people who got a long rambling comment from me then I apologize.  I have never been a “facts only” type of person.  I write in a roundabout way, because that’s the way my head works.  I get so distracted with the idea of what I want to say, and I end up just confusing a lot of people who don’t follow my train of thought and can’t make any logical sense of what I am saying.  Even my shortened versions are still much longer than the average person’s average thought/reply/whatever.

 

I always have this need to explain myself.  To inject part of myself into someone else’s problem.  I often find myself saying “In my experience…” or “From someone who has that too…” or “my [insert family member here] went through that/had that, etc.”  You get my point. (I hope)

 

I take (and make) everything personal.  Even if it is a stranger writing something anonymously out here in the blogosphere.  I have begun to leave comments on other’s blog posts (yay tag surfer)  and as soon as I hit ‘submit’ I get this feeling of OMG what if I am totally out of line, what if this makes them feel worse, what if, what if, what if…. and sometimes I get that feeling even before I am through..at which time I often include the “You don’t have to post this, but you should read it, at least…” 

 

I worry that I am taking away that persons thoughts that are in the post, by posting my similar experience/feeling, etc.  But I can’t stopI think it may be due in part to the fact that I have 2 people who comment on my blog.  My mom, and a woman who was my mom’s best friend from before I was born and that I have known my entire life.  I have had my wordpress blog since April.  In that time, I have had maybe 4 comments from someone other than these 2 people.  I have had my blogger blog for 2 YEARS.   In that time I have had maybe a handful of comments that weren’t from the same 2 people, and another person who was the subject of my blogs for a time.  My LJ I never really posted much on, and my LiveSpaces blog is new, mainly to have a live update to my website…that is centered around my blog that no one reads.

 

Maybe me leaving these comments on other’s blogs is a way to reach out and say “Hey!  Read ME! Leave ME comments!  Feel empathetic about ME!”  It seems like I (subconsciously) send out these unsolicited pieces of my mind to solicit someone else to give me a piece of their mind.   But…it rarely happens and then I sit here and write a roundabout blog about how I want people to not only to LISTEN to  me, but I want them to relate and tell me they relate. Or what they’ve learned from their experiences. Or what they know. or… just… SOMETHING.

 

Maybe it’s coz I feel like I am talking to myself 3/4 of the time that I write in my blog.  On facebook I have a piece of flair that says “Writing is a sociably acceptable form of schizophrenia”  Now, I don’t have schizophrenia (that I know of)  Yes, I do talk to myself. Yes, I am sitting here writing to my blog telling it that it needs to leave me comments.  Sometimes I see a man in my hallway when I am home alone.  I know it’s not real.  It is usually just a flash, long enough for me to see it/him, but not long enough to really study it or talk to it or interact at all.  So, does knowing it’s not real, really make it ok to see things? 

 

I have heard of people telling their pdocs that they saw or heard something that wasn’t there only to be told that it wasn’t a hallucination if they knew it wasn’t real.  I guess it’s only a hallucination when you talk to it or answer it when it speaks?  There’s two ways to go about this: 1) tell your pdoc that you see things that aren’t there, only for them to tell you that your not delusional coz u know it’s not real… or 2) to not tell for fear of embarrassment/feeling belittled, etc. and it actually being a problem.  One of the biggest problems I have with going to my pdoc is that I don’t know what to say and what not to.  I don’t LIKE being completely at someone else’s mercy.  I always feel like people talk about me behind my back.  And I come of as sarcastic and bitchy and whatever… but I second guess just about every move I make, and more often than not I say or do something without thinking and then after I cringe inside knowing that it wasn’t appropriate to say…but I already said it so all I can do is beat myself up for it.

It’s less embarrassing to say something and play it off non-chalantly like “O well, if u don’t like it, too bad”  than to say something and go “omg i shouldn’t have said that” and fall on the ground at the person’s feet and cry your eyes out.  One way you come off as an ass, and the other, someone to be walked on.   Most of my younger years I was a doormat.  I stopped being that and instead feel like I became the person who wipes their shoes on someone else.  I am pretty sure I DON’T do that all the time…but I FEEL like I do.  But I can’t SAY it coz it can go one of two ways a) complacence “It’s ok, I know you didn’t mean it” which just makes me feel MORE guilty.  or b) get bitched out and told “you treat me like crap and I hate it but I’m afraid to say anything”    So you see, I can either beat myself up and feel like crap, or say something and have someone else make me feel like crap by either saying that it’s ok when I know it’s not, or by saying NO it’s not okay, but again making me feel like crap.

 

So basically I just feel like crap most of the time.  Make it stop?

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~ by falloutmommy on December 17, 2009.

6 Responses to “Two posts in one day? No way!”

  1. Yeah, when I was creating it, I never thought about the C word, then after I seen it, I was like…. oh! That looks a little suspicious, but then, I thought, well, if anyone knows me, they will figure out that it has nothing to do with THAT! LOL!

  2. hey! i just joined wordpress today and ‘don’t mind rambly comments *cough* cough*. 😉 i’m like that too. rock on because leaving a piece of your life really can help people in a way, ya know?
    but hallucinations… scary stuff. i have them too. sometimes a voice will whisper my name loudly in my ear, or i feel like i’m tuning in and out of a newscast, or a man will appear and try to talk to me… thank god that only happened once… but i knew that it was a hallucination… yet i knew it was real? i’m very … spiritual… so i get freaked out about these things. but interesting point. if we think they’re hallucinations, can we really say they’re hallucinations… food for thought…

  3. i relate to so much of what you say! i’m awful about leaving rambling comments that start with the best of intentions, but end up being more about me. but i think some us just connect by sharing about ourselves.

    i never mind random comments. i too just have a couple of people who comment on my blog, but i’ve only told about five of my friends about it.

    i’m pretty sure a hallucination is a hallucination regardless of whether you know it is real or not. but as long as you know it isn’t real you’re okay. a friend of mine recently started seeing a new therapist & when she told the therapist that she sometimes hears voices or laughter from nowhere, the therapist advised her to engage the voice the next time she hears it. maybe you could try that with the guy you see? i used to have the dark shadow of a woman that i used to see when i was going through a really bad spot.

    but i know what you mean about counselors making you feel like shit when you tell them stuff. the first therapist i tried to talk to about being molested as a child told me point blank i couldn’t have been molested because there was no penetration. she just crapped all over my childhood trauma. i dropped out of care for years after that & since then don’t talk about it in therapy. but i know now she was just an idiot. actually, i knew that then.

    • I’m sorry that your therapist didn’t believe you about the molestation. I was sexually abused when I was a teenager and luckily after the truth came out I had a WONDERFUL therapist who really helped me a lot. I saw her for about 18 months, and did individual during that time as well as group for several months. The group honestly was one of the best parts. While it was sad to be in a group of like 8 girls closed to my age (I was 16 at the time) who had been abused, it made me feel a lot better to know that I wasn’t the only one. that I wasn’t the only one that felt the way that I did. My therapist taught us to take on the role of the “survivor” instead of a “victim”.

      Sexual abuse is sexual abuse… a large portion of it is mental. The scars it leaves behind are a lot on your memory. If you haven’t found a therapist that you feel comfortable talk to about that I would highly recommend maybe finding a group in your area of other abuse survivors – even if you never talk sometimes it is extremely therapeutic just to hear for yourself that you don’t have to feel rejected or let down about it. In my experience (there I go with that phrase again lol) people who have been there are more likely to be compassionate and realize your feelings as valid.

  4. Dont ever worry about leaving me comments, I like them and look forward to them.
    you are an intelligent young lady who has some good opinions and points to make…
    Love you! Keep on blogging!

    • Thanks! LOL… I am glad that you have a blog that I can leave comments on 😀 When you first replied under this profile I’m going who is CUNHVN and what kind of name is that??? And then I got it.And I love it.

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