I had a terrible terrible terrible day yesterday. I didn’t sleep Tuesday night. I had planned to sleep yesterday while Angelina was at school. Only problem – I got a phone call at 9:30 that she was scratching and couldn’t stop, and she tells me she has a cough and needs to go to the dr. So, I got in the shower, planning to take her cream to the school and put it on her. Got a call from David while I was in the shower. Ang’s teacher had called and said that she thought Angelina was just trying to get out of doing her work. David’s opinion is that I not go get Ang and take her out of school. So, I went to the school with the cream. She didn’t want it. I told her I wasn’t taking her home and that there wasn’t anything more that I could do for her at home but to put the cream on her. So, she said ok. Took one little dot and put it on one of her knuckles and said she was ok.
So, by the time I got home it was almost 11. Around noon I just couldn’t stay awake anymore so I went and slept a couple of hours. When she got home I laid down again, and slept until about 8:30 or 9. I woke up with a terrible headache so I took some Tylenol. After putting it back in the medicine cabinet I realized that probably a big part (if not the entire) problem was that I hadn’t taken my medicine!! Possibly for a few days. I really don’t remember. I have like 4 weeks worth of medication holders (like the week ones) And my last one had finished on Saturday (Saturday’s medicine was still in it) and hadn’t been refilled. I have had a really bad couple of weeks and I guess I have just been so whatever that I didn’t think to refill my med containers. Thus screwing up my meds which just screws everything up all the more.
So, I was up about an hour or an hour and a half then went back to bed. I woke up about 7 this morning and felt MUCH better. Got Ang off to school and have just been lounging. Then… around noon, I feel like poo again. I took my meds last night, I took them this morning, I will take them in an hour, and I will take them tonight. So why do I still feel like this?? I almost wonder if on some subconscious level that I didn’t take them because I was feeling all depressed and crappy-like with the meds so something in there said “What do I need you for any way? You’re not helping.” and just blocked it out that I hadn’t taken them.
I texted David earlier to tell him that I was sorry about yesterday, and that today I felt better. Said that I guess now I know that they’re at least doing something. Now I want to know why they’re not making it all better? They’re obviously doing something for me, but I don’t understand why there’s still so much that isn’t being covered by the plethora of meds that I take. It should at least make me feel better knowing that I’m not taking them for nothing, but it doesn’t. It makes me feel like there’s so much more wrong with me that isn’t being/can’t be fixed. And what sucks even more than that realization is the fact that I don’t like my pdoc, and I doubt that he would be helpful. He would probably just think that I’m looking for more meds, or less meds, or …something. I dunno.
Not that the following is an excuse, but: I am starting to understand why some people choose to self medicate with drugs or alcohol. I’m not. I won’t. But I am starting to understand why someone would do that. Coz it makes me feel like shit to know that I’m doing things the right way (taking my prescribed meds (mostly) like I’m supposed to, not physically hurting myself) and I still feel like crap. So, I understand why some people can’t deal with that and instead choose to block it out with stuff that makes their brain mush. Coz if you get to a certain point of F*cked up, you stop realizing how f*cked up your life is, I guess.
I guess I’m not so far gone since I can rationally see that that is not an option.
This post was supposed to have a point. O, yeah. Don’t do drugs. Unless, of course, they’re the ones prescribed to you. In that case, do take drugs… and often. And don’t forget.