I wish that I could be underwhelmed. I have been bored. I have been disinterested. But at my darkest moments I am still overwhelmed. I become overwhelmed with dark, with black, with sad, with impenetrable fog. But no underwhelm.
When I am not depressed I am “Blah.” This is my answer almost every time my psychiatrist asks. I need therapy. I need a professional to talk to, to explain to, who might have, if not an answer, some suggestions at least. But alas, there is no money to pay the bills, so there definitely is no money to pay a therapist. This morning while doing the budget I was seriously considering not paying for the psychiatrist and the pills that don’t really seem to be helping.
Again, I am being sucked down. Today I go from blah to completely overwhelmed by so much that I can’t even sort out what hurts. My chest hurts. It feels like someone punched a hole in it. It hurts to breathe. So then I hyperventilate, which makes it worse, which makes me cry and hurt terribly all over again. Putting it down in words is making me cry. I seem to have sprung a leak. There is no emotion behind the tears. Just emptiness. And a lump in my throat the size of Texas that also makes it hard to breathe.
Sometimes I feel nothing. But I still outwardly emote. Or maybe I feel something but I don’t know what it is so it is emptiness to me. Maybe that is my underwhelm? whywhywhywhywhywhywhy can’t I function like a human being? David is tiptoeing around me… he said if I wanted to play Lady Gaga on the stereo it was ok. That’s a big deal. He pretty much despises Lady Gaga. He says she is annoying.
I don’t know what else to say. I love this record, baby, but I can’t see straight anymore. Keep it cool. What’s the name of this club? I can’t remember but it’s alright, alright.