Paralyzed


I hate feeling like this.  Although I’m not ever really very specific on what this is.  This changes from day to day.  Today this is physical.  I am making myself physically ill with so much stress and worry, and I’m not sleeping right.  I either sleep too much at the wrong times, or not at all when I should be.  And for whatever reason, when I feel this way I always seem to be drawn to my budget, I guess hoping that something has changed.

It’s entirely paralyzing.  The more money we need, the more stressed I am about it, and the harder it is for me to function.  I’m so tired of all of it.  I’m tired of waiting for a judge to decide whether or not I am disabled.

I HATE my new psychiatrist.  He said some things to me that may have had merit to them, but he didn’t stop to listen for a response to his solutions to my problems.  He told me that my tiredness was due to laziness.  Now, to a certain degree I agreed with him, but he just ran right over me when I told him that it wasn’t JUST that…because before I was on the meds that make me tired and I was working, I was still tired ALL THE TIME.  I can’t even imagine what it would be like to try to get through a work day feeling like I feel most days.  He told me to get out of the house… well I do.  And usually I return to the house extremely worn down and feeling like I don’t want to go out again for a while.

I need to get a job.  We need money.  I don’t even know what to do.  I want to believe that I can, but then I think about how bad I had gotten when I was working.  I’ve gotten so lost inside that I don’t know how to find me.  Feels like I’m playing Operation, only on myself and I keep putting the pieces in the wrong places.  I hate feeling like my stomach is eating itself.  And like I need to be ok, because I can’t go back to the hospital because David would be left to pay the bills and go grocery shopping and there isn’t any money.  The more I try to BE ok, the less ok I feel.

I don’t know.  My schedule is off so my meds are off and maybe this is all just a result of that.  It shouldn’t be like this.  And it’s not even like I’m doing it on purpose.  It’s all just … wrong.  And I just feel all wrong.  My mood ring is black.  It has been black for the past 3 days.  before that it was very dark blue.  I haven’t seen green in a long time.  I always thought it was a joke…about mood rings being black..because the only colors I had ever seen were green and blue and the occasional yellowish color.

I didn’t sleep last night.  I never really felt tired.  and now I just feel sick.  And I know I should probably go lie down, but I know if I do I will sleep all day and feel terrible, or I will sleep for a few hours and feel terrible, or I won’t sleep and still feel terrible.  At least this way I get to see my family.  The past several weekends have been me asleep all day.  This past week has been me on the sofa napping or watching TV.  The house is a mess, the laundry needs to be done.  But I can’t seem to get through this funk.

Nothing matters right now except that there’s not enough and it’s all my fault.   It’s my fault that this happened to me.  That I am this way.  That I am not motivated enough to overcome it.    My fault that my family is suffering.  My fault that I can’t even go out and buy my daughter any Christmas presents.    and just my year that the one person that was willing to help with no explanation needed (because she KNEW)  can’t help.  My fault that I am beating myself up over it, but also my fault because I am trying to face it.  Even if that’s all I can do, acknowledge that it is there.

Money.  That’s what it all boils down to.  I am afraid David will have a breakdown next.  Trying to work, and having to deal with me, and all the stuff that I’m not dealing with.

So, Santa, if you’re reading this.

I’d really like $10,000 and a yes from social security for Christmas… or at least for my birthday.

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