I’m losing my mind… for real this time.

I know I often say that I am losing my mind or going crazy or whatever when I am not feeling well or am stressed.  But lately I have literally been losing my mind.  My cognitive function is HORRIBLE lately.  My pdoc switched me off my Zoloft and on to wellbutrin SR because she was concerned that the Zoloft wasn’t treating my depression effectively.  I messed the switch up a little bit because I started tapering off the Zoloft but didn’t start the wellbutrin for a week later after I felt like crap and realized that I was supposed to up the wellbutrin as I was downing the Zoloft.

So, for the first week I cut my zoloft dosage in half (per dr’s orders).  On the second day my body felt terrible, my joints ached, my head ached…basically everything ached.  So, after this and thinking “I didn’t think it’s supposed to be like this” but I didn’t think I was supposed to take the two meds together.  I got on the internet.  I found my answer.  When Dr. C said to taper down the zoloft and start the wellbutrin I thought she meant AFTER I was OFF the zoloft completely.  I even remember remarking to David that he needed to watch me because I was going to be slowly letting all the antidepressants out of my system.

So, the start of the second week I again cut my zoloft dosage in half of what it had been the week before and this time started the wellbutrin.  The next day I felt SO much better.  I told David that I felt better but was still probably only running at 75%, he didn’t understand that completely.  So, I successfully got off the zoloft by tapering down by half for 3 weeks.  The third week I upped my wellbutrin from once a day to twice a day.  I am there.  100mg twice a day.

Now, the problem is that I don’t feel any less depressed.  I have been having the most vivid realistic dreams that sometimes when I wake up in the morning I have to ask if certain things had happened or if I dreamed it.  And even then I get these flashes that I am pretty sure are from my dream because they are just so odd… but they are odd in a way that they MIGHT be real.  It’s very disorienting.

On top of the dreams, I have been having these weird sensations if I move a certain way, or if I am active and then hold still.  For example, we took Angelina trick or treating on Halloween.  We would walk, and then we would stop in people’s driveways and wait for her.  Several times I got this almost, but not quite, dizzy feeling.  And my hearing would go out, felt like blood was rushing through my head so loudly that I couldn’t hear, except there was no sound of rushing blood, just silence.  It lasts all of 2 seconds, but again is disorienting.

And then… there is the cognitive dysfunction.  I guess that’s what it would be called.  I am often finding myself at a loss for words, or using the wrong word in the wrong order when I am speaking.  Earlier this evening I told David that I had done laundry and that he had at least two pants of pairs clean.  After I said it I realized that it wasn’t right, but I wasn’t sure what the right order of the words were.  Earlier in the day we were discussing our blogs and how he blogs about WoW and how I blog here, about the inner workings of my mind.  I told him that the difference is that his life surrounds around WoW.  After I said it I knew “surrounds” was not the right word, but I couldn’t find the right word.  His brother corrected me and said “you mean his life REVOLVES around WoW?”  I guess that is what I meant…but even with someone else saying it, it seemed foreign to me.

These are just a couple examples of what happened today.  I can’t remember the rest of what I have done/said.  I just know that there have been things but I cannot recall them.  Even writing this blog my fingers keep fumbling over the keys because the place where my fingers go is not where I intend them to be.  And it is not even that my brain is going faster than my fingers or that my fingers are going faster than my brain, it is just that pressing the right key requires more thought than it has since when I was in school and was learning how to type.

I find myself using spell check more and more often because I see numerous red lines below my words.  Anyone who knows me knows that spelling is one of my big pet peeves, because it is something I am good at, and I get frustrated when other people spell things incorrectly or use the wrong spelling for the wrong meaning of a word.  That doesn’t make sense.  Um, it bugs me when people write “I am going to there house today.”  “I was righting an essay at school.”  It really bothers me, yet I find myself doing it.  I have to think hard about what is the write spelling?

I am not sure if this is related to my medications, I feel that it most likely is.  But I am not sure if it is because I went off the zoloft or that I am now taking the wellbutrin.  I checked Epocrates and the abnormal dreams are a common side effect.  But I don’t remember if the cognitive misfiring is part of it or not.  I feel like part of my brain has literally disappeared.  My memory is more terrible than ever.

I am no longer going to be seeing Dr. C because of my insurance and instead am going to a new pdoc on the 17th.  I am worried about this visit because I don’t do well with new dr’s and there are things that are obviously different for me, but this new dr doesn’t KNOW me.  She may know my condition or my medications, but she isn’t familiar with what is normal or abnormal for me.  And dr’s notes only tell so much.  I was seeing Dr. C for medication management, and I have seen her notes.  It basically just says “Pt is being increased to so and so dosage due to sub-optimal response” or some vague and generic shit like that.  It doesn’t say anything about me.  It will however show the new pdoc that at EVERY single visit to Dr. C that at least one of my medications had been changed.  Whether it was the dosage or the medication itself.

As I have blogged about before… I have applied for disability and been denied twice so far.  One of the reasons for denial they listed was that I was in treatment.  I am in treatment.  But I am still not better.  Why aren’t I better?  What is so wrong with me that I am not better?


~ by falloutmommy on November 5, 2009.

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