I’m losing my mind…cont’d

I was doing somewhat better with being irritable all the time and yelling and throwing temper tantrums, but in the past couple of months the psycho has been creeping  back in.  It hits me at weird times.  This past week I was going through the monthly hormonal flux and I have been completely psycho.  I know I have, but I can’t control it.  It isn’t all the time, it just HAPPENS.

Last Friday we had our usual Friday night.  Stephen came over and he and David played WoW.  I was reading Wuthering Heights and dozed off in my chair.  Angelina tried to wake me up because she wanted to watch a movie or something.  David told her that she could watch a movie in her room and that if she wanted to watch a VHS that he would hook the VCR up in her room.  I asked him if it was because of me and he said that it was.  And I replied “well maybe it would be better if I went in MY room.”  He said no because he felt that I would lock myself in the room and not come out the whole night.  Well, I was tired, there was too much noise in the living room already even without the TV on… So I went and got in bed, but I left the door open.  I wasn’t isolating myself, I just needed white noise.  To be honest the fan in our room was louder volume-wise than the sounds in the other room.  But it was just SO many DIFFERENT sounds in the living room.  And I also felt guilty for David basically telling Angelina to be in her room.  She wasn’t in trouble.  Mommy was just tired and didn’t feel good.

David ended up sending her to her room anyway to watch something.  I started bawling my eyes out alone in my room.  Then I heard Ang crying in her room because she felt like she was being punished.  So I went and stood in her door and talked to her and explained to her that she wasn’t in trouble and that it wasn’t her fault, it was just Mommy didn’t feel good and Daddy didn’t want Mommy to feel worse.

So, she stopped crying, but I still was.  Not bawling, but that kinda sniffling I’m trying to stop kind of crying.  I went for the box of tissues that was in the living room and went back into my room.  Ang was ok, she was putting a movie in in her room.  But David’s warning light went off.  He realized that I was in our room and that I was crying.  So he came in and laid with me a bit.  And I basically told him that I was overstimulated and just needed peace.  I was feeling claustrophobic in the most wide open space in our house.

So, he left me alone.  After maybe half an hour I was fine.  I came out and continued my reading.  I still felt low but I wasn’t panicking or feeling overwhelmed by every little thing.  It passed.

But, since then I have been moody.  And the yelling has started again.  And I don’t MEAN to do it… it just happens.  I was making dinner tonight and nobody was in the mood for anything particular, but David had been talking a few days ago about wanting biscuits and gravy.  I was putting some groceries away and saw the gravy in the shopping bag that I had bought and forgotten about.  So I decided to “surprise” him with this meal.  Not to mention it’s easy.

The rule in our house is that NOBODY comes in the kitchen when I am cooking or cleaning.  We have a galley style kitchen and I am a big girl and I tend to be claustrophobic so I don’t like people taking up what little room there is while I am doing something.  Angelina knows this rule, yet she tries to break it every single time I cook.  So, it is often “get out of my kitchen”  Lately she has taken to standing at the edge of the kitchen and questioning every single thing I do.. which drives me NUTS, and it is constantly “when I say stay out of the kitchen it means get out of the kitchen and leave me alone to cook”

Tonight I snapped at her.  I had intended the meal to be a surprise.  So she’s standing just outside the kitchen.  She says “what are you making?” I said “food” she says “what kind of food” and I said “food” she says “but what kind?”  To which I responded “IT’S FOOD! STOP ASKING ME FREAKING QUESTIONS AND LEAVE ME ALONE!”  her response was to go on the sofa and start crying.  So of course I felt guilty that I yelled at her, I hadn’t intended to.  So I apologized that I yelled but told her that she needed to mind her own business and she knew that she wasn’t supposed to bug me while I was cooking.

She’s six.  Her being six shouldn’t be a reason to get mad about things like that.  Logically I know that she is just interested in what I am doing and wants to be included.  But I just can’t do it!  She drives me crazy most of the time.  I love her to death but sometimes her being six and behaving like a six year old brings out the psycho crazy bitch in me.

I know that I am leaving emotional scars on her.  Possibly ruining her self-esteem, or at least hindering it.  As if she needed any help.  From what I have heard from her she doesn’t really have any friends at school.  It seems to be due, in part, to her eczema.  But it’s not just that.  She has ADHD, she doesn’t understand personal space.  She is very needy and clingy and needs constant reassurance.  She is immature.  She is extremely intelligent.  But socially she has issues.   She doesn’t seem to know how to interact with other kids.  Her teacher told me that during reading time she often leans on the other kids and it makes them uncomfortable because most of the other kids in her grade are in that independent stage that they want their own space.   And while that behavior was comforting and accepted in kindergarten, it isn’t so much in the 1st grade.

I know last year she was having issues and we had discussed pulling her out of school and waiting until this year.  But she liked school and wanted to continue going.  Academically she is doing wonderful.  Her first report card came out and she had Exceeds expectations in most of the subjects, and I think an above average in Math.  She’s smart.  Sometimes too smart for her own good.  She is manipulative and very dependent.

At home, David and I are very independent.  We each do our own thing, we interact certainly, but we do different things.  But she doesn’t seem to know how to be independent.  She doesn’t know how to play by herself.  She has a wonderful imagination.  She is constantly making up games.  But the problem that we encounter is that she wants someone to play her games with her, but she wants to tell them what to do and how to act and what to say.  So, it’s like she’s playing by herself, but she’s really not.  And if you suggest that by dictating every word and action that she is essentially playing by herself.

I have a feeling that she may be like this with kids at school.  I am sure that doesn’t go over well.

I don’t know what to do.  I am her mom.  I am supposed to take care of her and raise her etc, etc, etc.  Physically I am taking care of her.  Emotionally I am screwing her up.  I am screwed up.  I can’t control my own emotions, how am I supposed to help teach her proper behavior and human interaction?   And not only that, but a lot of the time, especially lately, David is walking on eggshells around me and tends to reprimand her for not doing that.

Something’s gotta give, and soon.  I have been in treatment for eight months and I am still not “better”


I’m tired.  I’m goingto bed


~ by falloutmommy on November 5, 2009.

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