I have not worked since February of this year. I have posted several different posts on why this is so, so I won’t bore you with the details. I have had quite a setback today. I got the letter from our mortage company saying we were in default. And although it was something that we realized was a possibility when we discussed my not going back to work and waiting for the disability system to do its thing; it still throws many many shadows of my perception of reality lately. I knew that the letter would come. I had to give it to David. I CAN’T handle it. I know I haven’t paid that bill since June, but I guess a part of me though that it would just go away or get overlooked by the mortgage company. So like the ostrich, I stuck my head in the sand. I feel badly for putting that burden on David, especially because I’m sure they have regular 9-5 business hours and David is working during that time. I SHOULD be able to handle this. I SHOULD do it. it SHOULD be my responsibility. But, I CAN’T do it. Not that I won’t. I CAN’T. I used to be able to. I used to be the one that answered the phone calls and made call backs for bills or creditors or whatever. I handled the dr’s offices, and setting up appointments, and keeping everyone’s schedule together. It failed.
I become so overcome by panic that I try so hard to conceal. Sometimes I stuff it down. Push it aside. Put the problem with stuffing it down or pushing it aside or bottling it up… eventually it will close in on you, it will push back, it will explode into a huge emotional mess. Emotional bottle rocket. Hey! That’s me! (in a nutshell) [Thanks Stephen] Even with the medicine. It hasn’t really done much. It’s cost a lot of money. It’s made me sleep at night, but now I can’t sleep without it, and sometimes I don’t sleep at all and feel like I don’t need it. It’s made me not yell so loudly so often. But it hasn’t taken away this ache in my chest. It hasn’t taken away the breathlessness that I feel whenever things are thrown on me that I wasn’t expecting, or maybe even things that I was expecting but tried to ignore.
Articles on psychotropic medication non-compliance often say that patients begin “feeling better” with medications so they think they’re cured and stop taking the medication only to go into the downward spiral of depression, or the extreme highs of mania. I don’t want to be medicated anymore because..what’s the use? I still feel like crap. It’s not helping in a big way. And… I’m not working because I’m sick. the medication is supposed to help make me feel better so I can go back to work, or normal functioning or whatever. But I’m not better. So what’s the point? I’m not working…does it really matter if I lay in bed all day? Or if I can’t sit still or focus on whatever I am doing? As long as I don’t leave the stove on and burn down the house? Does it matter? I’m not under the thumb of some boss somewhere who sees me as someone who is not meeting production standards or abiding by attendance rules. So why spend all the money? I don’t feel good either way. The medicine doesn’t suddenly make me a perfectly coherent, happy (but not overly happy), productive, calm, selfless person all of a sudden. Or even over months. It’s been 5 months since I started on my medications. They have all stayed the same with the exception of the ADHD medication..but even that I have decided I am no longer going to take. It is the most expensive medication I am on and has been even tho it was changed a couple months ago. Dr. tried me on the extended release version of one of my medications because I was “numb”. I started taking it how she said. Was supposed to be taken at 5pm and would help me sleep later in the evening. Instead took it at 5pm…was passing out by 6:30pm. Did that a couple days with no change… so, as Dr said I could, I took it 2 hours later hoping I would get sleepy maybe by like 8:30 or 9, well I did. I went to bed at 9pm, was up at 2am STARVING for sweets. Was up half an hour or so..devoured half a package of fudge mint cookies and a big glass of milk, then went back to bed. This went on a couple days so then I decided to take it with my other meds at 10 like I was doing with the regular release…. then I didn’t get tired at all. I was up for HOURS… would still get the sweet craving at 2am…but I was still awake and had yet to go to bed at that time. After a couple days of this I finally said “ENOUGH!” My schedule is so screwed up, I feel like crap, I’ve gained 3 lbs with my late night cookie binges. So I started taking my regular one again. Schedule mostly back on track. Was up all night over this past weekend tho. Went to bed around 4am saturday morning (everyone else was still up too, so not a big deal) was then up at 11am. Went back and laid down around 12:30 and slept until 4pm. Was up all night saturday, not sleepy at all on Sunday…but felt so sick, then took my 10pm meds Sunday night and was out like a baby in half an hour and didn’t stir until 8am this morning.
I have my pdoc appt on Thursday.. I have no idea where the past 4 weeks have gone. Angelina starts school in 2 weeks, she will be 6 in less than that…and I feel like my brain is in a fog. I’m coherent…but I have no idea where my rememberer has gone.