I Really Wish I Could Change My Way Of Thinking


Do you ever feel like that?  Like if only I could just believe that I’m fine, then I will be fine.  But for me, every time I think I’m fine, the rug gets yanked out from underneath my feet.  I either get sucked into the black hole of depression, or I’m hyper and talkative and flitting from here to there.  And I know that I’m doing it, and that it’s going on; yet I feel powerless to change it.  The weight of all that “IS“ becomes too great of a burden to bear. 

Some people with this illness believe that they can recover on their own, without medication, with little counseling, without family support.  But I have had therapy without medication and with family support, but not family understanding.  And I have had family support without medication or therapy.  I have had medication without therapy and with family support.  And lastly, I have been through having nothing.  Right now I am leaning towards having it all.  My family supports me even if they don’t fully understand what is going on inside my head, or are confused by my behaviors and moods.  I am on a medication regimen that, as of right now, still needs a bit of tweaking but is better than nothing at all.  And lastly, I have found a wonderful group of people through my online group who are all going through this too.  I also will be starting to go to a DBSA support group on Sunday (in person) and once my insurance changed I will begin counseling with a new therapist.

I know that I can’t do this on my own.  The more that I try, the harder I fall.  The harder it is to pick myself back up without the helping hands of those who love and care about me.  In the past 2-3 years my depression has gotten so much worse.  In the past I have had very deep depressions, but it usually revolved around a situation or some triggering event.  These days I get sucked into the pit of despair when I least expect it and without notice, sometimes when I feel that life is actually going ok.  It just comes on all of sudden with no apparent reason and rips my life to shreds.

I am trying hard for my family to see me as being ok.  My husband is worried about me, he doesn’t trust me fully because I have lied to him.  More than that I have kept things from him that should have been shared and dealt with.  I know that he loves me, but I get so afraid of letting him down.  I almost wonder in some twisted way, if I keep things from him, then he can’t use it against me and if this all falls apart I don’t have to blame it on myself.  Even writing that sounds selfish and stupid.

As most people who deal with abandonment issues, I tend to slowly push people away so that I leave them instead of them leaving me.  I know that he is not going to leave me physically, but he has left me emotionally in the past.  Simply because he didn’t understand what was going on, and he couldn’t “fix” me.  A year later when we finally went to counseling (because I had left him) our communication got better.  I think he finally got it when I said something to the effect of: “I am trying to fix me, I have been trying a long time and it’s not working, so don’t think that you can fix me all of a sudden.  Don’t feel like you’re not doing something right just because I’m messed up in the head.  I need to work on me, and I can’t do that if I have to work on you too.”

Anyway, I have written another book.  I think maybe I will someday print all these entries out and make it into a book.  What do you think?  Would YOU buy it?

Jessica

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~ by falloutmommy on April 29, 2009.

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