Roller Coaster Ride From Hell

One of THE worst things about having bipolar disorder is not knowing, from one day to the next, how you will be.  Or more accurately WHO you will be.  Having just recently been diagnosed, all the behaviors of the past few years are starting to make sense.  The constant mood swings, irritability, being up one day and down the next.  I also have recently been diagnosed with Adult ADHD.  It is interesting to read some of the information on these two conditions because they have several of the same symptoms.  The symptoms of both my mania and ADHD are primarily irritability, inattention, distract-ability, inability to focus, multi-tasking without every getting much of anything accomplished, starting activities/chores/projects and never finishing them.  I am doing a little better with my meds, but not nearly as much as I had hoped.   I felt better in the beginning but it could have just been that I was coming out of my depression naturally and it just coincided with me starting all my meds.  Because now… I don’t really FEEL any better.  I’m not depressed so much, I’m not manic so much, but I just feel OFF  a lot of the time.  And it’s not even “I don’t feel ‘normal’ ”  Because for me normal is really really screwed up.  I don’t feel BETTER.  I still am SUPER irritable, I still can’t focus, I still can’t concentrate, I am inattentive and I can look at someone and hear them speaking but have no idea what they are saying.

At the same time I feel so un-motivated.  My house is a mess, I’ve gotten dressed in ‘real’ clothes maybe twice in the past 3 weeks.  I have been living in sweats and jammies.  I don’t know if part of that is just adjustment to not having to go to work.  But I can’t even really say that because when I was working I wore scrubs to work most days.  I got a letter in the mail today saying that I am officially unemployed.  I have applied for SSDI and I hope that it gets approved.  Which reminds me I need to finish my paperwork.  I’ll write more later when I get around to it.   Even my blogs are incomplete. ha ha.



~ by falloutmommy on April 15, 2009.

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