I Really Wish I Could Change My Way Of Thinking

Do you ever feel like that?  Like if only I could just believe that I’m fine, then I will be fine.  But for me, every time I think I’m fine, the rug gets yanked out from underneath my feet.  I either get sucked into the black hole of depression, or I’m hyper and talkative and flitting from here to there.  And I know that I’m doing it, and that it’s going on; yet I feel powerless to change it.  The weight of all that “IS“ becomes too great of a burden to bear. 

Maybe…

Maybe it’s just me.  I feel psychotic.  Like I want to hurt someone.  Like I want to hurt you, because you’re happy and I’m not.  I don’t mean physically, but I want you to feel pain when you read my words or see my face, like I do with yours.  I feel the venom seeping out of my fingertips, but I can’t stop it.  I did this, but a part of me wants you to suffer for the mistakes we both made.